Written by Afua Siaw
Daughter: Ally Jones
Mother, Ms. Jones:
The best day of a mother’s life is when her child is born. Seeing her for the first time makes that moment the happiest day of my life. Remembering her childhood memories and all the laughs, cries, and good times. From her first day of pre-school to her first day of high school. Now, I can't think of those memories. The stop replaying the moment I saw her. The moment she ended her life with pills. I had just come back from a business trip the day she-took her precious life. I remember the hospital saying the words “No pulse” and raced miles. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like my whole world came crashing down. It’s my fault, I’m a bad mother. I did this to her. I should have been there. But I wasn’t. You never think this could happen to one of your own until it comes crashing through your glass windows.. I have started a support group for girl going through this. I want no one to go through this. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I kept her diaries. I read them over and over. The things she wrote, the pictures she drew, it was serious.
Here is an excerpt “Dear Diary. Today I came home from school and I said hello to my stepdad. I quickly tried to race up to my room so he wouldn’t try anything. He followed me and asked “where are you going baby girl?” I stayed quiet. He started taking off his clothes and said if I didn’t do the same he would kill my mom and everyone that I cared about. No one loves me but I couldn’t let them die and have to go through this everyday. I didn’t have a choice. I obeyed. I felt like a toy my stepdad played with and couldn’t get rid of. One day, I’ll just get rid of myself.”
And she did. On November 2, 2017, Ally Jones committed suicide. An excerpt from her diary on that very day states” “Dear diary or whoever reads this. Over these past months I’ve been going through abuse and rape constantly. I have marks on my body and I feel like my heart is being ripped out and stepped on. No one cares for me. Everyone’s too busy for me. No one actually asked me how I felt deeply. So I’m going to commit suicide. Last night I stole Tylenol pills from my stepdad's? medical cabinet. So after school, before my mom comes home I’ll do it. But I want to say goodbye to everyone right now. Mom, you were never there for me and I don’t even think you love me. If I die, I know you wouldn’t care much so please move on. Lilia, you were my best friend and I am so lucky to have you. Though you never deeply asked me how I felt, I know you cared and I’m gonna miss you most of all. I love you, Lilia. One of the teachers I will miss is Mr. Anderson. Thank you for always believing in me. I loved your class so much. Lately you noticed I was more distant but never asked me what was wrong. My writing was crying for help but you didn’t answer. I still appreciate you so much. Thanks for everything. Finally to my step-dad, you did this to me. I felt like you were supposed to be there and you weren’t. I felt alone. I am angry at you. I am terrified of you.I want you to suffer and I hope that by writing this here, one day you will.. I think it’s easier to take away the pain than staying in it. And to everyone else, thank you and I loved you guys.”
Teens go through many things- depression, anxiety, bullying, you name it- but never in a million did I think my daughter would ever fit into that equation.. The words that hit me the most is that “No one loves me.” She didn’t think I loved her. But I always did and never gave her the time of day. I worked my butt off to have enough money for her but all she needed was a mother. Ally was a really beautiful young woman, only an innocent 13 years old. She didn’t deserve that. She really didn’t. I’m sorry babygirl. I love you.
Best Friend, Lilia Grayson:
one year ageo, Ally started acting different. She is such an outgoing caring person so it was strange. She was more distant towards everyone including me. She quit cheerleading and began slacking on her homework. She would always say “It’s nothing” Right around when her parents got engaged, I thought it was just her trying to adjust to it. I also brushed it off thinking it was nothing and probably some stupid drama at school or something. But it wasn’t stupid. She had scars, many scars on her. When I asked, she said it was her cat. I believed that but never thought about the fact that she never had one. We have been best friends for as long as I can remember. I- I- can’t picture myself without her. Everyday I feel like I’m losing a part of her. I can’t talk to people without crying and I can’t do anything. She was the reason I looked forward to going to school and now what’s the point? She would always listen to my problems and always said fine when I asked about hers. I should have tried harder. We had so many good memories from the moment we met and we barely fought except about food. We are having an assembly dedicated to her and my therapist has been helping me prepare for it since I’m gonna speak. I’ll do it for you, Aally. But once again, I’m really sorry Ally. I love you, my best friend. See you soon.
Creative Writing Teacher, Mr. Anderson:
Ally was a dear student of mine. One of my favorites. She was special and had a gift. She was quiet but brilliant. In many topics reading her work was always intriguing. Although a few months ago, she stopped writing. In class, her work was bland and not intriguing as before, I didn’t think it was serious. Students go through things like this a lot. They have their own drama and it was not my place to get involved. My favorite of her writing was when we were doing about traumatizing events and she wrote about a girl getting raped by her stepfather. Never did I know, the story was about her life. The feelings in that story were so realistic but she had always had a way with words. You would never know if it was real or not. The school is having an assembly for her and the students made her locker into a memorial. It’s truly beautiful. She was loved by many.
May she Rest In Peace.
Mother, Ms. Jones:
Being a successful business woman can be stressful. When this got out to the public it only made it harder. I wasn’t sure what to say or do. I just cried and hid away. I was married to Mr. Walker Johnson the famous businessman. He was the reason she felt alone. He decided to watch her when I went on business trips but actually he raped her. Repeatedly, according to her diary. She was always so uncomfortable when he was here. That must have been for some reason. She was silenced and threatened. She felt angry, hurt, and betrayed. He’s currently getting all the karma back to him in jail and Ally would be proud. We divorced soon after her death. I really loved him but now I hate him because he took the most important thing to me away. He’ll pay and we will get justice for you. I wanna make a difference. I wanna show girls and boys too that suicide shouldn’t be the only choice. If you ever had suicide thoughts or know someone please call: 1-800-273-8255.
Help save someone’s life today.
About the Author
Afua Siaw is a rising junior in high school from NYC. When she grows up she wants to be a pediatrician because she loves to help people and kids. Her hobbies include activism, medicine, creative writing, social media, and photography.
Comments