Written by Lili Yao
My piece, “COVID-19: Revelations of my Self-Reflection,” is a personal anecdote that touches on a few lessons I’ve learned in quarantine. In a nutshell, it explores ideas of self growth, gratitude, and a newfound respect for life under the world’s current state of affairs. I wrote this in hopes for readers to relate to some of my experiences and seek comfort in knowing that they’re not alone during these challenging times!
Onsight of the yellow traffic light ahead of her, my mom slowly pushed down on the brake pedal of her car as she drove under its imminent change in colour. As a former know-it-all on the subject of math, my naive, seven-year-old self asked my mom why traffic lights have three colours if a car has two functions: to go or to stop. She replied with, “Without the yellow light, the switch from green to red would take you by surprise. Surprised drivers get into accidents.”
When my fast-paced world, formerly driven by to-do lists and deadlines, was confronted with a red light they never foresaw — a pandemic, my mother’s words echoed in my ear. The world was in for a rude awakening.
Out of the blue, everyone was hit with an avalanche of hardships: frontline workers rose to the occasion, thousands grieved over the tragic losses of loved ones, and millions were laid off their jobs. Consequently, this quantum leap in adjusting to a new normal has not only taken a striking toll on the physical, but also the mental health of society. Unlike those enduring stress, trauma, depression, and other mental illnesses during these times of trouble, it is different for the privileged, like myself, who have been fortunate enough to not struggle with any of these issues. Instead, we have been truly blessed with the occasion to spend ample time with family, pick up new hobbies, and take a breather from our old ways. As weeks stretched into months, I, as well as I’m sure others under similar circumstances, have had days to sit (literally) with our thoughts and self reflect.
On a typical Monday morning, getting out of bed was as taxing as doing fifty pushups. Nonetheless, thoughts such as “I can’t be late,” “I can’t miss the bus,” and “I don’t want to get scolded at by my mom,” disrupted my attempts to sleep in. Hence, a few snoozes later, I was up on two feet. However, these rationales that were once effective in dragging me out of bed proved otherwise when school resumed virtually. No longer did I have to show up to class on time, catch the bus, or worry that my mom would receive a call from the school’s office if I skipped a period. Although I managed to keep up with remote learning, I began to question what honestly influenced me to be studious.
In deep thought, I realized that I did not have a genuine answer. Being in quarantine shed light on how our pre-pandemic world praised overworking while looking down upon any act that did not fit the cookie-cutter description of “productive.” Thus, I was in the constant need to preoccupy myself with schoolwork in front of me that I lost sight of the intentions behind my immense efforts toward academics. I failed to notice how burned out I was and that my drive or a lack thereof was masked by operating on autopilot. To illustrate, I was stuck in a vicious cycle of waking up, going to school, studying at home, and sleeping. Needless to say, I found myself unmotivated to do much in quarantine as everything that once disciplined me, such as assignment deadlines, were no longer existent.
By all means, it can be invigorating to have off-days where one sits around like a couch potato. Although with no one on my tail at the start of quarantine, it was only a matter of time before my off days soon became off weeks. In a slump, my dullness prolonged until I felt tired and bored of ironically, doing nothing. Suddenly, it became clear to me how striking a balance between work and rest is fundamental for one’s mental clarity, as having experienced the extremities of both ends proved to be exhausting in their own ways. Eventually, I found myself yearning to resume my adherence to an agenda and being more productive. Only, this time around, I was inspired by the pleasures these certain activities brought me, rather than the gratification I got from getting these things done. For instance, I began to write poetry. It was not a school assignment, but a therapeutic outlet for me to make sense of my emotions during this unsettling time.
This is merely one of various examples that demonstrates my attempts to stray away from solely relying on external forces such as school to motivate me. Instead, I have come to be more self-motivated by seeking reasons that serve a deeper purpose in my life.
As we abide by social distancing measures, there is no more appropriate time for the famous saying, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” to hit so close to home. More specifically, distance brought it to my attention if it is one’s presence or absence that adds more value to my life. In lockdown, separation from others allowed me to acknowledge the vital role that quality time plays in a relationship, since otherwise, a lack of physical interaction had put a strain on mine. Despite this, quarantine put a test to the strength and genuinity of my relationships with family and friends.
While technology has enabled us to remain connected with one another, it takes more initiative to keep in contact with friends when you are unable to meet them on a daily basis, thanks to school. For instance, catching up requires individuals to make time to schedule a call or video chat instead of doing so through an inevitable run-in at school. As an introvert, I did not expect to reminisce over memories I had with certain people, as I generally prefer to be alone. However, to my surprise, I did. Thus, I recognized that those I missed were whose friendships were worth making an effort to maintain. In the same vein, I gained more appreciation for those who reached out to me during this time, as it reflected the value they saw in our friendship. As a result, I am grateful that quarantine led me to acquire a new outlook on my relationships.
Initially, this pandemic made me aware of how easily some of my classmates disguised as friends. Before March, it never occurred to me that seeing the same people at school every day formed the basis of much of my “friendships.” In fact, school matters such as loathing the same classes or cramming for exams together provided me with the opportunity to bond with others. In hindsight, my conversations with many were surface level as we did not share many common interests outside of academics. Upon this epiphany, I am now more conscious of whom I define a friend and a peer.
Having three older sisters who graduated high school in what feels like the dark ages now, I’ve always heard stories of people falling out of touch after graduation as people grow and move onto the next chapter of their lives. Prior to quarantine, I can recall several instances where I’ve thought that for sure I’d miss so and so after grade twelve and would want to reach out to them. It was only in self-isolation when I caught a realistic glimpse of how my social life would pan out once I was out of high school.
Unfortunately, the world’s turn of events put a halt on the numerous plans many of us were looking forward to during spring and summer break. Without a doubt, it felt as if this year had robbed us of the traditions that defined past summers and celebrations.
Whether it be riding roller coasters at Canada’s Wonderland, attending concerts, swimming at the beach or camping, quarantine highlighted how for granted we took the ability to freely engage in these activities as we now long to live our lives the way we did before the novel disease emerged. Apart from festivities, I suddenly missed the trivial aspects of my life that I failed to appreciate before the pandemic. This goes to show how difficult it is to see the value in a moment until it becomes a memory.
For instance, I used to view commuting to school as no more than a part of my daily morning routine. Now that it has been months since I’ve stepped foot in school, I realized how much I enjoyed riding the bus as I listened to music. I overlooked how serene it was to be alone with my thoughts while being surrounded by others who are just beginning their day as well. Furthermore, early walks were the only time in the day for me to enjoy the outdoors and the beauty in nature. As I assume school online, it saddens me that I’ll never relive these mornings with my newfound regard for them.
Furthermore, school events, field trips, or family gatherings are examples of social outings I would turn down or dread before, only to jump at the chance to attend now. I never fretted on missing out on these experiences since I was sure that they would await me next year. With future events such as semi-formal, banquets, and prom now up in the air, quarantine opened my eyes to realizing that “later” is not always guaranteed. In fact, I should take on as many opportunities that present themselves in the present, because the same opportunities may never come again. For instance, semi-formal is still a possibility, but with wearing masks, social distancing, and unprecedented factors to consider, it would not be the same as previous years.
In a nutshell, COVID-19 has prompted us to adapt to new situations in unfathomable ways. As a result, there is no denying that as the world continues to change that we, ourselves, change with it. Although we’re living in times of uncertainty, I am certain that I learned more in quarantine than what I would have at school.
At the beginning of this pandemic, the question, “What would I be doing right now if quarantine didn’t occur,” loomed over the back of my head. Now I think to myself, “If quarantine didn’t occur, would I be doing this right now?” This shift in my mindset encompasses that we can approach the same situation with different perspectives. Above all, it showcases the growth that I have undergone these last few months. Whether it’d be my academics, relationships, or my morals, quarantine encouraged me to reassess all aspects of my life.
During the school year, I woke up late and begged my mom to give me a ride more often than I would like to admit. In a race against time, arriving at school was the only thing I had in mind. On these mornings, this meant that I overlooked the sunlight, trees, and buildings passing by me. Since early spring, I’ve come to terms that although there was no yellow light to prepare us for COVID-19, quarantine was the yellow light we needed to slow down and appreciate our surroundings.
About the Author
Lili Yao is a grade 12 student attending Dr. Norman Bethune Collegiate Institute. In her spare time, she loves listening to music, drinking coffee at Starbucks, watching Gossip Girl, cooking, and fashion (her favourite trend at the moment is anything with animal print)! However, her main passion and what her life revolves around is reading and writing. From poetry to essays, she finds writing to be the most authentic way to communicate her ideas and loves reading for pleasure. A fun fact that most people do not know about her is that she’s never tried Chipotle before!